Initiating sex does NOT need to be 50-50 in a relationship and it’s unrealistic to expect it to be. Here’s why:
In most relationships, there is some sort of desire discrepancy (one partner wants sex more than the other). This is not only normal, but inevitable. It is TOTALLY understandable that the higher desire partner might feel hurt or upset if the lower desire partner is never or barely ever initiating. I get it. But here’s the thing …
The lower desire partner usually has a responsive desire style (see post on responsive desire), which means that desire is not just going to hit them out of the blue. The desire for sex will probably come AFTER they’re already engaging in intimacy.
Yes, it’s fair to ask the lower desire partner to make a conscious effort to initiate more if that’s what the higher desire partner wants, but just know that the DESIRE to initiate is not going to hit them out of the blue AND THAT'S OKAY. Sex does not have to be spontaneous. A lack of drive to initiate DOES NOT INDICATE a disinterest in sex or a disinterest in their partner. You can have responsive desire and still really love sex and having sex with your partner.
We put so much weight on sex that we don’t put on other things. There are many things in a relationship where the initiation is uneven and this doesn’t bother people.
For example, going out to eat. There might be one partner that usually has the idea to go out to eat and initiates the plan. The other partner might enjoy going out to eat just as much, maybe even more, but they just weren’t thinking about it until it was suggested. Once they’re at the restaurant, they’re psyched to be there.
If you and your partner are struggling with this issue, a great solution is to schedule sex or intimacy time. I know I know, that doesn’t sound sexy, but it really is. Although a lot of sex therapists will recommend scheduling sex, I think this can lead to a lot of pressure so instead want to recommend scheduling intimacy time. "Intimacy time" is time reserved for you to be intimate together with no pressure or expectations. Scheduling intimacy time will allow the lower desire partner time and space to do what they need to do to get into the right headspace.
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