6 Ways to Jumpstart Healing from Sexual Trauma

1. Believe Yourself

I don’t know if it counts as trauma. Other people have had it so much worse than me. I feel like I’m just being dramatic. I should be over this by now.

These are words and sentiments that I hear on a daily basis in my oce. People often minimize or discount their trauma in order to cope, avoid addressing it, or because they have been taught to pick themselves up by the bootstraps and leave the past in the past.

Here’s what I often say to my clients in response: If it felt traumatic, it was traumatic. Trauma can be anything that happens too soon, too much, or too fast. When we experience something that is overwhelming to our nervous system, our brain struggles to process the event and the memory gets stuck in our body and mind. As such, the adage "the past is in the past" is misleading because even if we intellectually understand a trauma to be in the past, our brains and bodies still register it as ongoing. If we deny that the experience is still aecting us, it will remain stuck.

2. Realize that YOU CAN HEAL and it will take time

You can absolutely heal from sexual trauma and learn to find pleasure and playfulness in sex again (or maybe for the first time!) It's normal to feel a sense of hopelessness in the wake of a trauma, but please realize that this feeling is not a reflection of reality. There are plenty of scientific studies providing evidence that trauma is treatable.

It is also important to realize that healing takes time and can be painful. As you begin processing memories and emotions that you have suppressed, as your body begins to thaw

and come alive again, you might start feeling worse before you feel better. You might at times feel like you are going backwards. But pain, devastation, and dicult emotions are all part of the process. Try to accept your healing process even if it doesn't look or feel like you want it to.

3. Identify Your Survival Strategies

In order to heal from a sexual trauma, you first need to survive it. Many times the things we first rely on to survive, to just keep going, can be harmful in the long run. Examples of such survival strategies include avoiding sex, avoiding feelings, dissociating, and numbing out with alcohol, disordered eating, drugs, and/ or compulsive sexual activity. Identifying your harmful survival strategies will help you begin to move from surviving to thriving. Many people feel ashamed or angry at themselves when confronting maladaptive behaviors, but remember, however you’ve been surviving your trauma up until now is okay!

Make a list of any harmful survival strategies. For each one, write down how this strategy has been helping or protecting you. Then write down what you stand to gain from healing or changing this behavior.

4. Let Go of Shame by Understanding the Brain

Almost all the sexual assault and sexual harassment survivors I have worked with struggle with self-blame and shame. Sometimes the brain would prefer to believe that it was our fault because this gives us illusion that we could have controlled the situation. The alternative—that it wasn’t our fault and we had no control—is much scarier.

Many survivors will feel ashamed because they didn’t say no, didn’t fight back, didn’t yell for help, didn’t run away, or feel that they were otherwise complicit in the assault. Understanding what happens in the brain when you are endangered or experiencing trauma can help alleviate this shame. Within a few seconds of your brain detecting an attack or threat, the part of your brain responsible for higher order thinking that can help make sense of what’s happening (the prefrontal cortex) goes oline and it becomes nearly impossible to think strategically or rationally. Meanwhile, the parts of your brain responsible for your survival (your limbic system and brain stem) take over. If your brain does not immediately detect a way out of the situation, your limbic system sends a signal to your brain stem to inhibit movement. In other words, your brain resorts to freeze (instead of fight or flight).

Another alternative to fight or flight that can come up during sexual assault or harassment is tend and befriend. Sometimes in response to a threat, oxytocin gets released, triggering an instinct to connect, please, and placate. This stress response disproportionately affects people with female hormonal patterns since oxytocin tends to be boosted by estrogen and suppressed by testosterone. So, if you are a survivor beating yourself up for freezing or giving your perpetrator what they wanted, please realize that your brain was actually trying to save your life and it was beyond your conscious control.

5. Practice Bring in Your Body

In a society that prioritizes “mind over matter,” many of us struggle with being present in our bodies. Sexual assault survivors can have a particularly hard time with this because the body is where the trauma happened. Many people feel betrayed by their bodies or unsafe in their bodies.

Coming home to the body can be uncomfortable and scary, but it is a vital part of the healing process. The body is not only where healing happens, but also where pleasure happens and where you can experience the whole spectrum of being alive. Go slowly and be patient with yourself. Start by noticing sensations in any parts of the body that feel safe or neutral—maybe it’s your toes or your elbows. Practice this every day and gradually expand your awareness to other parts of your body, including your genitals. Notice where you feel discomfort or tension and try to approach those areas from a place of acceptance and curiosity. You might try this guided meditation to help.

Other embodiment practices include yoga, dance, martial arts, breathwork, or therapeutic body-work if you can aord it (e.g. massage, craniosacral therapy). It can also be helpful to pick a sound that you hear in every day life, such as a siren or a bird chirping, life that will serve as a reminder to check in with your body.

6. Regularly Incorporate Pleasure into Your Life

Many sexual trauma survivors struggle with experiencing pleasure, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Those who blame themselves might feel like they do not deserve it. But you have always deserved it and always will. Pleasure is your birthright. Just as with embodiment, reclaiming your pleasure can be scary and unfamiliar. Again, go slowly and be patient with yourself.

Start by making a list of everything that has given you pleasure in your life. It can help to think of the five senses--what's your favorite smell? Taste? Sound? Visual? Sensation? Look over your list and pick one that you'd like to experience right now. Maybe it's as simple as lighting your favorite candle or taking a hot shower. Say to yourself, "I deserve this." You can gradually work up to the items on your list that feel scary.